


broken lungs

by the_mixed_up_files_of_me



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, I have anxiety so I wrote Evan's very realistically and that might trigger someone's anxiety, just a heads up, just their friendship and forgiveness, this is platonic!Jared and Evan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 21:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12117822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_mixed_up_files_of_me/pseuds/the_mixed_up_files_of_me
Summary: ❛Evan's chest is filling with the cold autumn air but each breath is laborious and he's heaving through broken lungs. "Jared, please stop."❜





	broken lungs

"Jared, please listen to me." This isn't a plea, this is a beg that is scratching Evan's throat without forgiveness. His eyes burn, stomach twisting into a million knots that won't unravel.

Jared dismissively waves his hand and keeps walking, his beat up sneakers crunching the dead leaves beneath his feet on the sidewalk. Pulling the strap of his backpack further taut against his chest, he tries to shut Evan and his desperation out.

Of course Evan came to him, this was going to be inevitable. Watching Evan sabotage his own life and then break so many people was painful enough for Jared. Facing Evan is even worse. Digging his teeth into his lower lip, Jared keeps walking, away from Evan and away from the entire situation.

Evan's chest is filling with the cold autumn air but each breath is laborious and he's heaving through broken lungs. "Jared, please stop." Is he walking or standing still...or is there even a difference anymore?

He doesn't want Jared's pity, he doesn't want his sympathy, he just wants to beg for mercy and at least have Jared be able to _look_  at him again. It's unbearable for him to think that his friend, his one friend left in the world, who has seen him at his absolute best and worst will never be able to speak to him again.

"I never meant to—"

A flame of anger peaks inside of Jared, enough to make him spin around, stride several paces back to Evan and say in a voice that is colder than any autumn wind, "But you _DID_ , Evan! You _did_!"

The words are biting and bitter on his tongue. Jared feels a twinge that he can't suppress as he gets a closer look at Evan's tearstained face. Evan's handed plunge into the pockets of his grey hoodie and he dips his head, in an attempt to hide himself in plain sight.

"Jared—"

Jared is still too seething to be forgiving and compassionate. "You know, shut up. Shut. Up. I don't want to talk to you. Just leave me alone."

Evan nods silently, his eyes flooding with tears, the hot rivers pouring down his cold cheeks. It's pathetic, almost pathetic enough to make Jared regret his tone. Turning around, Jared keeps walking, listening only to the sounds of his own steps and the rush of blood to the head that is making his head throb.

This mute button to the world works only for about four yards before he is keenly aware of the sound of a sharp clatter. Forgetting himself and his own wrapped up emotions, Jared turns to see Evan on his hands and knees on the pavement, books scattered everywhere; he fell. Jared's steps hesitate, knowing the right thing to do and knowing exactly what he doesn't want to do.

His mother will yell at him and so will Heidi if Evan broke another limb and Jared didn't at least make sure he was somewhat alive.

Striding back in a brisk way that only the truly reluctantly caring people can, it doesn't take Jared but a split second to realise that Evan didn't just fall; he's having an anxiety attack and can't get up. This isn't the first one he's seen Evan have and his astute eyes understand the situation more clearly than Evan explaining what happened could have.

Evan swears that he can taste blood; he probably can, he's biting on his tongue so hard. Acid burns his throat and he's choking and heaving and a thousand broken pieces barely held together at the seams anymore. Pavement digs into his palms, little pin pricks of gravel embedding themselves into his skin. In his brimming eyes, the world is a watercolour of grey, bleak, swirling colours.

A familiar pair of beat up sneakers come into view and silently hands begin to gather his scattered books and tuck them back into his backpack. Jared's voice, firm but quiet, says, "Remember what your therapist told you."

The logical words cut through the haze of confused thoughts like a knife. The repetitious breathing exercises, the grounding techniques...he knows them by heart, they're patterned into his brain. Sucking in a desperate gasp, Evan feels his lungs inflate with the crisp air, breathing for the first time in what seems like hours. His racehorse of heartbeat trapped inside his ribcage begins to abate as he focuses on grounding himself, asking himself what he sees and smells and tastes and hears.

Jared is kneeling down beside him now, neither hovering or overbearing, something that Evan appreciates. Lifting his bloodstained palms off of the sidewalk, Evan sits back a little, dampening his hoodie sleeve as he swipes it across his face. Jared, still saying nothing, hands him a tissue that is slightly crumpled.

"I'm sorry," Evan manages to say, swallowing back the throbbing lump in his throat. "That's so embarrassing."

Jared has been through plenty of them with Evan. A little roughly but with milder intentions, he says, "There isn't anything...'embarrassing' about anxiety attacks." Evan's soft, damp eyes meet Jared's and compassion stalks and threatens to extinguish Jared's anger altogether. Evan, pathetic and burdened Evan, his first and only friend in the world. Not that he'd tell Evan that, of course.

He can't forgive Evan right now, he can't process the situation well enough for that yet. It's not just going to be a simple, _'All is well and I forgive you'_ situation. It'll need time and space and all of the gentle things that friendships need to heal.

Starting with extending a hand to help Evan; he rigidly stands up and holds out his hand for Evan's collapsed form.

Evan quietly takes it, climbing to his feet and Jared hands him back his backpack. "Thanks, Jared."

"It's fine," Jared shrugs his shoulders with less stiffness than before. Pausing, Jared asks Evan if his mother is home, the closest he'll get to asking if Evan will be by himself when he goes home.

Eva's fingers are toying with his backpack strap, still gathering himself. "Yeah, she's home."

Jared swallows, before nodding and hesitantly turning to walk home. On trembling legs, Evan begins to walk home as well, glancing over his shoulder at Jared, soothed by the quiet knowledge that they'll walk home together again one day soon.

Jared's flame of anger is beginning to wash away with the cold breeze, the shed tears and the alteration in his perspective. His anger is a flicker, balancing between going out at once or withstanding longer.

However, it's just a flicker and flickers can be blown out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave kudos if you enjoyed this fic or a comment; getting feedback inspires me to write more! <3


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